oh jd gini life crisis it

 Right now, I’m feeling a lot of regret and confusion. I suddenly remembered that DevSecOps offer I got back in 2022 from Astra, outsourcing, with a 5 million salary… and now I’m thinking maybe I should’ve just taken it. If I had known I’d lean back to IT, I wouldn’t have wasted all that time being unemployed, and I probably wouldn’t be stuck in Palembang earning just 2 million now.

Why IT? Honestly, I don’t feel talented enough in the creative field. I don’t think I have “that” talent. It’s exhausting because everything in creative work is so subjective, and I never really know if what I’m doing is actually good or right. Even if someone says it’s good, I can’t fully believe it—I feel like they’re just trying to accept me as I am. Maybe it goes back to that one time I got confronted in front of everyone because my work seemed amateur… haha, so now I feel like I’d be more comfortable in IT, where things are more structured and clear. Surprise, right?

If only I knew back then that I’d prefer IT now, I probably wouldn’t have been unemployed for so long. I could’ve supported my family better… not stuck in Palembang with a tiny salary. But yeah, at the time, my older sibling said 5 million in Jakarta isn’t enough, and I guess I got scared too. Maybe if I’d pushed through and accepted it, my family wouldn’t have stopped me either.

At least now, I’m not curious about creative fields anymore. I think this is really a life crisis phase for me. Vina once said that the decisions we make in the past are the best ones for us, and I do believe that—but it’s hard to fully accept. Knowing what might’ve been… it’s tough. But… surely there’s a lesson here, right? Surely. I just don’t know it yet. Maybe if I had taken it, I wouldn’t have learned a lot of things… but I’m certain I’ve already learned so much.

Now, I just want to start over. I want to learn everything, try everything. I’m determined that 2026 and the years after will be my years. By the end of 2025, I want to make the most out of it—learning a new language (Japanese or Chinese—I still can’t decide!), studying for CPNS, learning to ride a motorbike, growing a bigger heart, learning content creation, staying consistent, diving into QA, practicing SQL again… the rest of this year will be fully about learning.

Come on, I can do this.